Translation Request: DE/CLIO CHANNEL 9/28/2021
What I’ve been hiding all this time (Gekka Yuragi)
Introduction:
Yuragi opens with a reminder of DE/CLIO’s disbandment announcement.
He says that while everyone received the announcement from their label, he also wanted to make a video explaining from his perspective.
Firstly, when the members themselves decided to disband, they were thinking about how they can show their faces to all the fans who have supported them so far. He felt like they were betraying the fans who gave them not only money, but also time, and their feelings. He felt that he was committing a sin, and was wondering if fans could ever forgive him.
He thinks that choosing to just run away without being able to give anything back to the fans would be irresponsible. He understands this, but he is extremely sorry that it ended up that way.
‘I’m truly sorry. This result is caused by my own lack of strength and inexperience.’
Activities During COVID:
Yuragi details how the pandemic has severely altered the plans for DE/CLIO’s early activities.
Even within that, the members all got along well, and somehow were able to get through it just from that. But, because they couldn’t conduct activities, they couldn’t reach the results that were expected. Everyone was very stressed and frustrated, but without blaming eachother, they continued their activities. Personally, Yuragi thought that this might be a good chance, and he had faith that the other members trusted him to be reliable. Deep in his heart, Yuragi thought that the pandemic wasn’t such a big deal.
Regarding the members:
The members all got along well, as if the pandemic wasn’t even happening. Until now, Yuragi had managed to do whatever and stay in a band, and the timing was good, the vibe was great, and they were a band that really got along well together. Not just within the members, but with his friends and acquaintances, each person felt like they really understood each other. He’s sure anyone who came to any of their concerts or watched any of their live streams could feel it. During their activities, within the members there those that could and couldn’t convey their thoughts. Based on that, Yuragi thinks it is the responsibility of the leader to think about the future for those who struggle to do it themselves. But he didn’t want them to become a band where only one person’s opinions matter.
I overdid it:
There were times when the members had to wear costumes with colours they didn’t want to wear, play performances they didn’t want to play, and create music they didn’t want to. There were moments when everyone agreed, but Yuragi, as the leader, was the only one who disagreed. During those times, because he wanted to express himself as an artist, Yuragi, both as the leader and as a representative of their label, continued with those troubles.
Weighing cooperation and self-expression on a scale, he felt extremely uncomfortable to suppress himself and create something that wasn’t like him. The kind of love that makes you willing to step out on yourself because someone else approves of you. Half of it was devotion, and half of it was a self-sacrificing mentality. Even though he didn’t know if he could do it, he took everything upon himself and went with a stance of ‘leave it to me’.
He wanted to be the strongest version of himself, so he faked it. What started as a bad habit of his, would become what crushed him later. Even though he’s the one who chose to do this, he felt left behind. Eventually he had a moment where he felt like, is this really what I wanted to do?
During a concert, he was relieved to see that everyone seemed to be having fun, but on the other hand, even though there were so many people, nobody knew the real Yuragi.
‘I was all alone.’
‘Why am I here? For what reason did I start this? What’s my goal? I don’t know anymore.’
‘As someone who can’t seem to match the values and pace of other people, maybe I’m not suited to group activities.’
What I’ve been hiding until now:
Yuragi states that even though he has talked a bit too much, now you can understand the reality of Gekka Yuragi, who looked to be competent within his activities. There are positives and negatives of this. During the start of ?? (sorry, i couldn’t hear this part) Sana had asked him what kind of song he wanted to compose. Sana said he wanted to focus on expressing people’s sadness and pain, and create a darker, more negative song. Yuragi says that he’s wanted to be a writer since he was a child, and even now, he is still thinking about pursuing that dream. He focused on Sana’s wish to make music about people’s negative emotions. Every day, they worked on creating a magnificent and tragic tale.
A future torn away from you.
The death of your loved one.
They worked on this image of losing a loved one every day. While they were doing this, the fictional world that they created unfortunately became real, appearing in front of Yuragi one after another.
He went to the hospital every day. It was like something out of a drama had fallen onto him.
He believed that he was ok, but in the end, a beloved person to him lost their life.
‘Exactly at sunset,
The sky was dyed orange,
And I could only stare in disbelief,
This was when I made ‘Madoromi no Requiem’
Behind ‘Madoromi no Requiem’ is the setting sun, and the burning light of life,
And when I picture that, I always see the colour orange.
Even now, when I see a sunset, those feelings always come back to me.
In the MV for Madoromi no Requiem, I have a blue ribbon tied to my finger. It’s something similar to a memento.’
‘The timing of the announcement of this work was a lot to deal with, so I didn’t say anything about it. I’ve posted a link, so please listen now that we’re disbanded.
The unreleased songs that we’ve made were also written during and based on these real experiences. The works that I set out to create as a work of fiction, in the end, became works based on reality. ‘
I had chosen to be alone
‘Like a bad dream, I was dumbfounded, and I emptily carried myself through my schedule each day. Somehow, I managed to pass the days like this. The members were all worried about me, but in order not to bring it up, they continued to treat me the same way as they normally would. In particular, while Sana didn’t talk too much about it, when he sang the lyrics that I wrote live, it was as if he faced me directly. However, even through that, I felt that nobody else could understand the pain I was in. I didn’t want to make anyone worry, and a moping leader is unimpressive, so because I kept going as if I was completely fine, it’s as if I chose to isolate myself instead.
Even then, the feeling of despair came to me, and in reality, it was sadness.
When I’d see people that seemed happy, I’d end up thinking ‘Why? How?’.’
In regards to the theme of sadness
‘If you looked at me at that time objectively, you might think ‘How miserable.’ I realised that if I continued to make deep works based on my own sadness, I would stay in misery myself. I would continue to be gripped by sadness and negativity, and no longer be able to continue creating new work. At that point, I knew I could never be a good writer of tragedies. Looking back on the past, there were a lot of times when I projected a strong image and it would become the reality. Even then, on the other had, I couldn’t visualise myself standing on a grand stage, or my works selling like crazy. Regarding this, I feel that my feelings weren’t strong enough. Also, even if it’s a work that was born through such painful experiences, I learnt that it will still be judged the same way everything else is. I also learned that even if you've suffered that much to create something, it's not the same as being recognized for it. When I talked to my seniors about not being appreciated by the public very much, they asked me, 'Are you trying to make it so that everyone can understand?'. When I was asked that, I couldn’t reply ‘Yes’. Unconsciously, I had made something that was very difficult to understand. I felt that if I made it so that anyone could understand it, it would be as if I was stepping all over my own feelings. I refused to be subjected to that. I felt like I didn’t want to make any more sad songs.’
What I gained from activities as a band
‘However, when I wondered why I still wanted to continue band activities, the fans conveying their feelings to us, and the ever-cheerful faces of the members came to my mind. Maybe I just wanted to have friends. Because I’m not good at respecting other people’s wishes, I thought that I should confront them. As a result, I received compassion, warmth, and a lot of love from friends and fans, and was touched by the warmth of peoples’ hearts. Fans are not family members or lovers, but people who care about you without any reward. I think it's a beautiful thing to be devoted to someone. Because no matter what I do, I’m a selfish person, I take those pure feelings to heart. I think that's why it was worth the challenge and why I kept trying. I’ve revealed the things I had been hiding until now, but when I’m not making music, I’m an entrepreneur trying to work out business strategies. I started the company a number of years back, and it’s thanks to my friends that it was able to succeed until now. I’m being careful not to forget the compassion and voices from those involved, however there are times when it’s easy to forget when you’re just calculating numbers. I’m always wondering whether I should do this or that, so there are times when my calculating self comes out.’
A summary of what I want to say
‘I think that music is something that can surpass a calculated formula, and directly communicate feelings to others like telepathy. It’s something that can surpass borders, and convey emotions without the need for words. I’ve learnt and felt the beauty of that. I’ve also learnt that loneliness is something created from the inside. For those who feel that they are alone right now, if you’re watching this video, what is making you lonely comes from within, and there will always be someone by your side who will watch out for you, wondering when you will open up. Learning this was the biggest gift I received from being a part of DE/CLIO. I’ve received so much love and warmth, and was touched by the hearts of so many people over these 2 years. Although every day was busy, both my body and my heart truly felt as if I was alive.’
Regarding my activities from now on
‘Lastly, I don’t think I will be participating in band activities anymore. I want to keep expressing myself. I already have plans for this. I didn’t have that kind of confidence until now, but gaining confidence was the ultimate result of being in DE/CLIO.
I don’t feel that this is the end, but instead my true beginning.
This is very selfish of me, but I hope that you can continue to support me from now onwards as well.
This has been Gekka Yuragi.’
